I woke up that way today. What's hard about this thing, is that sometimes you don't know if you should be feeling the way you do, or you don't know what to do about HOW you feel. It's just there. Like a big blockade that won't go away. And you read, and pray, and think about it some more, trying to figure out what you are going to do, how you are going to change this thing. In some ways you feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Am I being selfish? Am I not being grateful? How come I haven't felt this way in the past? Is it God that is igniting something in my heart? Or am I just frustrated and don't know what to do about it?
We are reading through Jeremiah right now, and we happened to be in chapter 17 today.
The heart is deceitful above all thing and beyond cure
Who can understand it?
I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind,
to reward a man according to his conduct,
according to what his deeds deserve
How am I supposed to know how to process things if my own heart deceives me? Does that mean that everything I'm feeling and thinking has no value? Doesn't God live in our hearts . . . I mean, He is supposed to give us a clean heart . . . right?
This thing is driving me nuts.
I started to think about my life. The fact that God knew me before I even existed on this earth. He knew I would grow up in Chicago, move to Memphis, lose my dad, date someone for 7 years only for it to end, would get to live in Nashville, and then give me a dream job in Dallas without even looking for it. I remembered . . . that my life has been good. Those things are just the big details, but all the little details, they've been incredible. They've fit in perfectly with the big things. And I didn't do anything to create ANY of them. They just happened. Because God is really really good. He always has been to me, and I know He always will be to me. I would not change one part of my life, because I know they have gotten me where I am today.
So I'm thankful that God can and does search my heart and examine my mind. He knows how I'm going to feel about this thing one month from now, or a year from now. He knows whether or not it needs to happen or fade away. Because He has my best in mind.
So I have the option, not to necessarily forget how I'm thinking and feeling about this thing, but I do need to focus on something else. Because otherwise I will go crazy. And so I remember my life, and all that has happened, and choose the truth, and act on the truth. That God is good. He always has been, and He always will be. I don't sit on this thing anymore, but just remember His goodness and faithfulness. And . . . that's really it.
Something will probably shift or change, because He's good like that, and everything will be just fine.
So, God . . . about this thing . . . you can let it happen, or make it go away . . . or just sit there for a while. But I'm not going to worry about it all day today. Because either way, you're going to allow it to change me. And you will graciously act. And I will think about the greater picture. Which is me knowing You, and allowing that to be my heartbeat for today.